What I haven’t spoken about in this session is just how loaded January’s are for me. It is this month, 1963, I was born and possibly separated from my birth mom. It was the month of January, in my 10th year, that I began praying day & night that I would die before my rock/my adopted mom, who would pass the following month despite my young tears and prayers. My adopted dad’s birthday is on the 19th, close if not the same date of my (after 8 years,) break up last year.

In January 1979 I left school, home and moved in with a lover, 5 years older, to Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I was 16 and she was violent. In January 1983, I attended SUNY Purchase, became President of the GLB Union, I came out to my adopted older sister who loved me but not my sexual preference, and it’s been strange and estranged between me and adopted my family since then – some of that my own doing (Pre Alanon). My dad died on the 15th, (1985, after 11 years in a bottle) MLKs B-Day, the day before my birthday and sometimes the reason I can forget my birthday.

In January 2010 within days of starting my life-saving coaching certification program, I received a letter from the state of New York telling me, (for the first time in my life,) that my birth mom didn’t die giving birth to me, a burden I carried until that time. There is no record of my birth father.

In 2010 I was finally able to begin grieving the losses of all of my parents (with the assistance of my coach and CTI Certification tribe, who I connect with regularly). It was also this year, 37 years later, that I was able to release the prayers that lead me through decades of passive suicidal behaviors.

In January 2011, after taking time off for the CTI Leadership program, I became a Co-Active Professional Certified Coach In January 2012, I was ordained as a Minister (online) and was freed of a relationship that no longer worked for us.

In January 2013, I committed myself to writing a book; connected with or heard from 5 out of 6 of my primary partners from 1983 forward. Lovers and friends celebrated, sang and sent cards, poems, gifts and notes for my birthday. A long-time primary relationship has shifted, lovingly, over the past few days just as I was shifting to a new opening.

I opened, and very exciting, interesting and loving people are flowing in, or through, only time will tell. – Even with my struggles,  I’m more open, and loving and at peace this January since maybe I was 4, 6 or 9(?).

I get lonely sometimes; it’s the life of adoptees who are denied access to sealed records. I worry that there will be no trace, no blood left of me after I’m gone. Even understanding we are all spirits, this feeling is an accepted part of my experience. So, I embrace my friends and work at staying loving and at service, at most times. I fail, fall and get back up and try again.  I’m so, so very inspired by many of you, both our youth & seniors and everyone In-between. Thanks for wanting to be here. Can you even believe what FB has made possible? Amazing!

I’m grateful for you for living your Higher/Goddess/God/Spirit self, Every Day!  We are making such a huge impact. I love you so much, without knowing you, and especially those I do and, even those I may not like

Don’t forget to tell them you love them today, even if they don’t love you back, this is part of taking care of you – living authentically.

We’re spirits on a journey together and I’m glad you are here.

I hope your Tuesday was Happy!!

Love, Coach Fresh!! – P.S. There are some cool shots in this original recording of Patti Labelle singing, “You Are My Friend” – Unlike the song, of course I’ve always known it.

Awareness Day 9: Life is Worth it…Please Stay!!

Tomorrow I turn 50!! Like the BIG 50!! Me!!! I am so incredibly, down to my heart bones, happy!!

It took me to getting here, to get back to the open-hearted, risk taking, all-loving, fun and sometimes funny kid who is ME; bigger, wiser and even more loving with renewed desires for naps!

In my heart I always knew, no matter what I went through, was dragged through, no matter what people said to and about me; I always knew love was the answer. I always knew there were way more loving people in the world than not. I always knew there were souls like me out here wanting to be open and openly loving – out here on the leading edge, as Esther Hicks would say.

2012, was such an AMAZING year; absolutely one of the best years of my life, and I was only 49 then! How can it get better from here? What’s great is that I’ve learned to appreciate the moment and I don’t have answer that question right now.

And, here is my gift: Stay. I spent 33 years of my life passively committing suicide; I’m so fortunate I failed. If you have any doubt about leaving life, even when you think you’re being called, if you can help it, Stay.

I am being totally honest when I say I crawled here – through sand, soot, at one point over broken glass, at another over pebbles; I have stumbled, fallen and failed. And, at some points I literally felt like I let people I loved or “hired” and trusted, help me dig the fear, the crap, the critical voices, the lies, the shields around my inner-child right out of my gut – for me to face, sort through, trash or recycle. It hurt, but not as much as it did before I chose this option to be free from the pain, misguidance (by myself and others) and lies about what was possible for me and my impact on the world.

Stay! And what it brought me, this gutting, is home to myself. What it brought me is peace. What it has brought me is truth, more compassion for myself and others. It brought forgiveness for myself and others. It allowed me to be more available to those I love. What it brought me is this opportunity to connect with you.

You don’t have to do it all at one time. You don’t have to do anything at all; just Stay. Know that life loves you, will come for you when she’s ready and  Stay.

It doesn’t matter what you have gone through, you survived and that gives you the power to choose who you want to be and how you want to be with you and for you, for as long as you can breathe. Stay, I promise there are angels and allies waiting to serve You.

In 1992, my lover SF, told me I’d never be alone in the world and she kept her word. Not a moment since I met that woman could I ever say I was alone, lonely at times yes, but never alone. And, knowing her, this incredibly wise woman, she meant much more than our (her and my) connection; I’m sure she meant that folks like us; her and I, you and I, are love and thus connected to the power, the energy, life – love.

What I know is that YOU are Love. I’m so, so very grateful for every and any moment I’ve had with you. You have been and are a reflection of the love I put out in the world. This is to my friends near and far, live and virtual.

So, how will I celebrate my last day in my 40s? Just did!! Plus, if I’m feeling brave, maybe I’ll feed my inner kid some ice cream.

Happy Tuesday Lovers!! – Coach Fresh!

This is the message I want to absorb and share for 2013 – Every thing we desire is waiting for us. Your dreams are calling you! Love is everywhere we choose to see it. Life is our gift to express our way. Thank you David Whyte and all the other teachers and healers, including you, on my path. Happy 2013!

Over the last two weeks two men in my community have passed. One of those men, Mike McCloud, was a co-worker of mine and died as a result of a car accident. I had only been working with Mike for about 3 months, and when he passed three thoughts came to my mind…

I didn’t get to know Mike well, and I knew he was in pain, even though we never talked about it. So, my first thought when I read that Mike had passed was that he’s in peace. Mike was no longer in pain and his pain wouldn’t get worse. It was a complicated sadness.

My second thought was the impact that Mike had on our community. Mike was and is referred to as Dad, uncle, cousin, brother, friend, chosen-family, reliable, dependable, solid, loving and much more. My heart sank considering all those who love him and goes out to all of those fortunate enough to have known him well and experience the smile he could bring to our faces. He made me laugh more than a few times in our short interaction.

Waiting to Love: My third thought was totally ego based; what about us? What was our last exchange? Were we okay? Mike and I butt heads a few times at the office; even growled at each other now and then. And one of the things I appreciated most about this man is that we could be boldly straight with each other. His gifts of himself with me, of honesty and courage will be forever cherished. Mike reminded me of what’s important; communication and community and he pushed me to walk my talk and I did and I’m so grateful for it. So, we made agreements and we moved forward; Mike would tease me and I’d check-in with him and his work and he’d tease me more about something, and sometimes share with me pieces of his story. I was glad for the level of comfort we grew to because – we didn’t wait! And when he came by to my desk to say he was leaving for the break, I’m sad I didn’t get up to hug him goodbye, and we were okay.

In the end, we only have our memories.

You know that experience, that person who you really want to clear the air with? The situation that left you feeling sad, mad, disappointed, embarrassed or disconnected? Know that it’s never too late to make peace. As long as you can breathe and communicate, you can make peace with someone, and if they don’t reciprocate, you can have peace with yourself knowing you lived into the full loving, compassionate being you were born to be. It’s never too late; writing letters, whispering prayers to those who have passed or are simply too hard to reach; it’s no longer about them when they’ve gone, it’s about you – your self honesty and self-forgiveness.

Why wait to fully love ourselves? It’s when we are truly loving and honoring ourselves that we are best able to bring love to the world. Thanks to everyone who pushes me to be my best me. And, thank you also to  those with the stamina, commitment and patience to be with me as I fail forward to being only love.

The other man who passed, Christopher Lee, was someone I met only briefly. He had a sweet smile and was kind. My sympathy to those he left behind, may he rest also in peace.

With Love,

Fresh!

Love is like the waves
seductive, alluring, powerful
all at once gentle and cleansing
or suddenly overpowering and suffocating

Love is like with the waves
turning your back to her makes one vulnerable
to its unpredictable need to be with you; to touch you,
and possibly to hold you
- whether you are ready or not

Love tides like the waves
flowing at times deeper in
or further out
and often with no requirement of preference from you

Her highs can send you sailing – above all
and when you hold your balance, you can ride her to exhaustion
both you and her coming in for rest/refreshing
before getting on your adventure board and beginning – again

Love is like the Sea
When she withdraws, the emptiness can leave you sinking into a cold damp loneliness
until you decide, from  your place of choice and power
to either turn and walk towards more solid ground
or stay in this spot
eyes set forward
awaiting her return

Love is like the sea withdrawn sand
you can become stuck at the shock of her leaving
the weight of your mourning pulling you deeper down
until you know…

Love”s withdrawal/low tide is only making space for other things…
creating needed space for reflection
literally sun
healing and transformation

And so that cold sand won’t burn you
if you too learn how to shift
understanding loss as a myth
for she is in you
her salt is forever in our lungs, on our lips
in our hair
embedded in skin, bones
and memory.

Yes, I had a lot going on today; makes sense I was silent yesterday; well pretty much. I woke this morning considering all the many gifts I have received from family, friends and lovers. I laid a few of them before me on my table and practiced my chants while focusing on all the happiness I’ve experienced in my life. It was a Fresh new day. I decided to post my post from the city so I could work-out and get into work a few hours early, maybe have breakfast with a friend, then the universe swooped down and took the reins. Here is a bit of how it all happened…

Well before 10 I AM exchanged “I love Yous” with 4 people I wasn’t expecting to hear from today. I received an accidental early morning text from a runner I admire, which encouraged me to make a decision I had been putting off. Just after 11, much to my surprise, my Nutritionist and Trainer, Ace Morgan came by, that brought more happiness into my morning. Ace gave me some tips and noticed what I found out later to be true (I don’t have a scale and we didn’t measure) while trying on jeans tonight, I’m 2 inches smaller for a total of -6 inches since I started working with him. We also laughed, which is hard not do around his kindness. As a bonus he gave me a ride, see below to my other unexpected event…

It was still before noon when I received a call from one of the happiest, most positive folks I know; a dear family/friend who was crying heavily. She just found out an old lover and dear friend was dying. I teared up with her on the phone, called into my office and prepared to go pick her up and take her to the airport. I had 1.5 hours and Ace showed up in that time.

We pulled up just as she was getting back from errands. I went in with her and there were tears, and laughter. I shared my quote for what was happening, (you know I love to quote myself): “Death makes no reservations.” She liked it. She and I were glad for our moments before I dropped her off, we together share our appreciation for ourselves, each other and our life. Le’chaim!

In all the moments I had throughout the day I was already appreciating so many of my peeps, including the Robin’s, Kingfishers and Work it! crews, friends and lovers present and gone So… since I was there, right by the ocean and near more dear & loving Family/Friends, I called the coastal gals, drove to Taco Bell Beach, drank way too much caffeine and shared, love, stories and hugs… The tides running high so I have to go back!!

Let’s see; we’ve covered a bit of death, a bit of life, some happiness and so… My day ends with tucking in chicken’s and petting kitties. I’m wiped!! But there’s more…

As we know the tragedies of today were big and small, no more or less people or children died, yet there were some incidents way too close to home which made them simply too heartbreaking and sad to turn ourselves from. And the question, after hearing the news once, or the story twice, what did you choose?

What my friend and I shared today, was that we can mourn and be appreciative for what we have in this moment. There are people who are directly affected by the incidents that took place in Connecticut and in too many other places, bigger and smaller in scale in the world today. From Connecticut to Cairo, I can’t begin to imagine what the survivors are going through today. And, I do believe that when the rest of us choose to listen to the stories over and over and over and over and over and over we not only create a paralyzing effect on ourselves, we can’t send all the loving and healing energy needed to help the local communities and families through these harsh moments.

Repeating tragedies doesn’t make them go away, or help us to focus on the root of the issues that cause such incidences – disconnection, negative influences, dwindling resources like access to education, medical and psychological care, and not just for perpetrators, but for all the folks who may have witnessed something was wrong and were not trained how to talk about it to each other or authorities. The only way we can help is to stay present and reach out to love and touch those dear to us; yes, send cards and flowers if we are so called and we have to be present with and for us first.

Here is what I’d like you to remember – Only you can choose what you will focus on. Absolutely grieve and to me that means turning off the TV and radio and being with your feelings. Reach out and talk to someone. Choose to be more loving. If you are not directly affected, step away from the confusion. Focus on the wounded getting healed. Send loving energy to the survivors. Take a life affirming act today – you are still here.

As I’m writing this a single red flare just went up outside my window, I have no idea what that was. On that note, I think I need to go to bed so I can wake up and feed the chickens.

We don’t have to focus on changing the world, we just have to love us and show the world it’s possible to live and walk always in pursuit of and being more love.

Sincerely hoping some of what I said works for you.

Minister of Love,
Fresh!

Sometimes Silence is the truest act of being ourselves. It also offers us the opportunity to hear ourselves, each other and what the universe is calling us to do.

Hope you were able to allow for times of silence and reflection during 12/13/12.

With Loving Admiration,

Fresh!

“All round me burdens seem to fall, I’m not worried at all… I don’t worry all the day long… Though I am able, I just cannot see, He taught me to pray, just for me.” Moby. At 12/12/12 12:12PM I walked onto a SF street and starting chanting Aham Prema (I Am Divine Love or I AM True Love) a full 108 times. It was at a slow point in the middle of my busy day and I took that time just for me. (And I know I was not alone.)

I have and continue to learn that as strong and deep as my love for other may be, it’s when I’m truly and deeply loving myself that others benefit most. 

Today is the day my friends, to accept that if air can come through you, you can show up for yourself. If sun can shine and water can flow and never keep itself from you, you deserve to be loved.

Cry your tears, prepare your breath, and walk towards the shift to a more self- loving you. I look forward to gathering with you there in the upcoming age of Love!

Minister & Life Coach Fresh!

May all of our fears, self doubts and struggles with loving ourselves deeply and consistently, die on 12/21/12. May we be free from self-judgement and the noise/constant chatter that drowns out our loving inner guide on 12/12/21. May we be opened to receive and live ourselves as our higher power, as the love & light we truly are. May we meet each other in a gaze of knowing we are all connected, that we are all love.

I hope you like Kirthi’s video and Tara’s poem (See Below), they speak much more eloquently than I about why loving now is the obvious choice.

I hold faith in you, in me. Happy Tuesday!
The Minister of Love, Coach Fresh!

THE END by Tara Sophia Mohr.

In the end
you won’t be known
for the things you did,
or what you built,
or what you said.
You won’t even be known
for the love given
or the hearts saved,
because in the end you won’t be known.
You won’t be asked, by a vast creator full of light:
What did you do to be known?
You will be asked: Did you know it,
this place, this journey?
What there is to know can’t be written.
Something between the crispness of air
and the glint in her eye
and the texture of the orange peel.
What you’ll want a thousand years from now is this:
a memory that beats like a heart–
a travel memory, of what it was to walk here,
alive and warm and textured within.
Sweet brightness, aliveness, take-me-now-ness that is life.
You are here to pay attention. That is enough.

I would have written yesterday, but I spent the day manifesting love.  Happy Monday!

Someone asked me the other day if I really believed in the 12/12/21 Shift. My response was ‘Yes, as much as I believe in the 12/31 shift, and more.’ It just makes sense to me that the shortest day of the year signifies the end of the yearly cycle.  I’ll continue to celebrate the 31st and on the 21st I get to acknowledge the universal shift, I want to pay closer attention to the planet and animals and see what shows up. What happens if i consciously shift with them?

I will make my resolutions on this day, 12/21 and see how the universe supports me. And why not believe the scholars of the  Mayan calendar and all others who say this shift will lead us into a more loving Age of time? As spiritual beings we have the power to create this shift in ourselves and many of you who’s life work is about unconditional love for-self and other (people, planet and beyond) know this is so much easier to accept once we open ourselves to love fully and unconditionally… our life work.

“When our awareness is there–in the light instead of the fog, in our faith, instead of our knowledge–we recover our faith, our will, and our power.” Don Miguel Ruiz

A Celebration: Awakening The Giant Teotihuacan  http://www.miguelruiz.com/index.php?p=Event&id=238

I was introduced to some of the healing practices of the Toltec religion by Storm Miguel Florez. Years later Laura Callen gave me a copy of The Four Agreements. I’m grateful to theses friends who By these introductions brought words and expressions to what I was already feeling and knowing – We are all Love; We are all God and it’s our responsibility to know and live this.

Happy Monday! Have a wonderful week in love.

Love,

Coach Fresh!