By asking a simple question of myself, ” Why is it so hard for me to call others, (even just to chat)?” I discovered not only when this behavior began but also how at certain times in my youth I was encouraged to feel unworthy and not a part-of my family. I also recognized the role I played in allowing a gatekeeper to the rest of my family to convince me why I need not be in contact with others. I’ve learned to forgive me as child, and youth and for years even into adulthood for allowing the manipulation. The gatekeeper had criticisms and blame for almost everyone I knew and loved. And, I loved and admired them so much, I ate every one word and sentiment of what they said. It also helped that they shamed me for being gay, for removing myself from outrageous alcoholism at home. As former foster kid with abandonment issues, I clung to the person who wanted connection with me, the manipulator. And, I can’t tell you how much of my lost self-worth I am finding in this awakening memory. And, I’m allowing grief, anger and sadness. I also deeply and sincerely forgive them. ~ I will not suffer.
What is suffering? In the past I would have blamed and scolded my younger self for not seeing through the smoke screen which would literally damage my relationship with the rest of my family. Not too many years ago, I would have blamed and scolded this person for their part. But, what would any blaming or scolding serve now? How would that kind of response help with my healing? And why would I want my self or the other person to suffer for what cannot be undone?
Awakening can at times be synonymous with healing.
Metta: I literally had tears at work for most of this morning. This awakening has hit me hard and so my response has been to be with it. To feel the hurt, the anger and the sadness. And the reason I’m not suffering is because I’m allowing these feelings while holding myself with loving compassion. There is no space for shame and guilt, in Metta.
So much has been lost – maybe. Or perhaps everything is unfolding perfectly. My separation from my family allowed me an exploration of myself and life I could not have experienced with them. Why would I choose to suffer when I can instead be grateful for this awakening that *is related to my sense of self-worth and feeling of deserving.
Awakening can at times be synonymous with healing. Awakening is not easy. For many of us we have a few layers of “past” or “ego” to peel back, for others it’s about shining the light on hidden places sometimes forgotten. I know it can be many things for many people and part of it is a growing understanding that we create our own suffering.
“…forgive them for they know not what they do.” Jesus, The Jewish man revered by Christians and many others
Today I reminded the beautiful group of women I had the honor to counsel and learn from, that we are all Spirits in flesh. Nothing can actually damage us. Yes, we will experience pain, hurt, anger and sadness and, we can choose to do so with open hearts, full of love and compassion for ourselves and those who may not have found their path to their healing.
Everyday and in every moment we have the power to choose who and how we show up. And…it takes love, compassion, practice, courage, and faith to be and awaken to the best you. It ain’t easy, and at times it’s fun – and it’s so, so freeing. Opportunities for joyous moments and deep meaningful connection with yourself and others abound, as you also experience the alignment, magic and self discovering earned through times of solitude.
You are perfect just the way you are. I accept the perfectness of who I am in this moment. Together we are expanding Metta for ourselves, for each other, for those we love, for those we know and throughout the world.
Thank you for being a part of my awakening. May we experience much peace and joy today and throughout our lifetimes.